Worried that Motherhood Will Change You Forever?

May 1, 2009 by Alexis

We all know the butterfly as a metaphor for transformation. It’s so overused that it’s a cliché.

Yes, yes, we say. We know that the caterpillar goes into its cocoon (pupa, to be exact) before doing the hard work of emerging as a butterfly. So, therefore, yes, yes, we know that there’s a certain amount of going inward involved in transformation. We also know that it’s hard work to pump those new wings full of enough strength to set us flying into our new life.

Sound a lot like new motherhood?

Well, here’s something you may not know unless you happened to have been a primary school teacher at some point in your life. Once the caterpillar creates that pupa, its entire body turns to goo inside. Seriously! It doesn’t just grow new parts, like a tadpole becoming a frog. No. It completely dissolves into formlessness, and then somehow everything gets put back together and solidifies in a new and different way.

Sound even more like new motherhood?

So for those of you in that formless goo stage; the ones who, despite loving beyond belief your new little bundle of miracles, still feel like you’ve somehow become no more than a milk spigot; who wonder what happened to the spunky, independent girl you used to be, and who fear that your entire life will be like this forever no matter how many people reassure you that THIS, TOO, SHALL PASS, I tell you this:

This formless stage is necessary for you to evolve into the mother and the woman you are yet to be. This is the time for all former identities to melt away. That feels uncomfortable at best, and downright depressing at worst. But fighting it and trying to hold onto those identities and that other life, despite the overwhelming evidence that you will never again be the same, is like opening up the pupa before the butterfly is ready to emerge. It wrecks the whole process. (And kills the butterfly, by the way.)

Luckily we are a bit heartier than your average butterfly, and resisting this change won’t necessarily kill us. But it will delay the growth that was ours for the taking at this crucial time.

So embrace the in-between-ness. Trust that you are in the process of coming back together in a new and powerful way. You will never be the same again, and what a wonderful thing that is.

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Posted in Postpartum Support | 2 Comments »

Pregnant or Nursing and Want a Massage?

April 10, 2009 by Alexis

I had the incredible good fortune of receiving a gift certificate to Sanctuary Massage, owned by masseuse-extraordinaire, Abby Lacey. I was so impressed that I had to share this with you. She’s a little tricky to find, so those lucky enough to learn of her by word-of-mouth will be grateful to you for passing this along.

First impressive bit: She comes to your home! I had her come over after Lucas had gone to sleep. What a luxury to receive a wonderful massage and not have to get in the car immediately afterward and undo all that relaxation! She set up her amazing table (which I’ll get to in a minute) in my living room. It was perfect!

If your home is not quite the peaceful sanctuary you need to fully relax, you can also go to her lovely studio, pictured below.

Second impressive bit: The amazing table! This, alone, was something to write about. She is one of very few practitioners who has this fancy-schmancy table that allows pregnant women (who need this more than anybody!) to enjoy a relaxing massage. Check it out!

See?! It has cutouts for the tender breasts and growing belly! The padded belly sling is adjusted after the woman lies down so she has adequate belly support without feeling squished. Can you say, “Ahhhhh…”?

massage-table-with-cutouts1

I’m thinking of all those pregnant moms who already have kids at home. How convenient is this?! You don’t have to get a sitter or even leave the house. You can schedule it during naptime or after bedtime, and then waddle into bed to get some well-deserved sleep!

This would also be great for postpartum when your breasts are so hard and sore. I got a massage after I had Lucas and it really helped to clear my lymph system from all the stress of childbirth.

Third impressive bit: The great massage!
Abby is great at what she does! This massage was relaxing and soothing – sheer bliss! Abby gives a strong massage without any pain or pinching. It was the perfect balance of working out the kinks in the muscles and soothing relaxation!

Oh, and I didn’t need the cutouts, of course, so here is what the table looks like without removing them. It felt just like a normal massage table.

Need I say more? If you want to schedule an appointment with Sanctuary Massage, you can email Abby at sanctuarymassagesd@gmail.com . She also has a page on Facebook, so go check her out and schedule your massage. You deserve it!

Cheers!

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After the Birth, What a Family Needs

April 3, 2009 by Alexis

The following is a brilliant post written by childbirth activist, Gloria Lemay, of www.glorialemay.com. I loved this article so much, I have reposted it here. If you like what you read, do go visit her site and soak up the wisdom. The link to the original post is here.

“Let me know if I can help you in any way when the baby is born.” … “Just let me know if you need a hand.” … “Anything I can do, just give me a call.”

Most pregnant women get these statements from friends and family but shy away from making requests when they are up to their ears in dirty laundry, unmade beds, dust bunnies and countertops crowded with dirty dishes. The myth of “I’m fine, I’m doing great, new motherhood is wonderful, I can cope and my husband is the Rock of Gibraltar” is pervasive in postpartum land. If you’re too shy to ask for help and make straight requests of people, I suggest sending the following list out to your friends and family. These are the things I have found to be missing in every house with a new baby. It’s actually easy and fun for outsiders to remedy these problems for the new parents but there seems to be a lot of confusion about what’s wanted and needed…

1. Buy us toilet paper, milk and beautiful whole grain bread.

2. Buy us a new garbage can with a swing top lid and 6 pairs of black cotton underpants (women’s size____).

3. Make us a big supper salad with feta cheese, black Kalamata olives, toasted almonds, organic green crispy things and a nice homemade dressing on the side. Drop it off and leave right away. Or, buy us frozen lasagna, garlic bread, a bag of salad, a big jug of juice, and maybe some cookies to have for dessert. Drop it off and leave right away.

4. Come over about 2 in the afternoon, hold the baby while I have a hot shower, put me to bed with the baby and then fold all the piles of laundry that have been dumped on the couch, beds or in the room corners. If there’s no laundry to fold yet, do some.

5. Come over at l0 a.m., make me eggs, toast and a 1/2 grapefruit. Clean my fridge and throw out everything you are in doubt about. Don’t ask me about anything; just use your best judgment.

6. Put a sign on my door saying “Dear Friends and Family, Mom and baby need extra rest right now. Please come back in 7 days but phone first. All donations of casserole dinners would be most welcome. Thank you for caring about this family.”

7. Come over in your work clothes and vacuum and dust my house and then leave quietly. It’s tiring for me to chat and have tea with visitors but it will renew my soul to get some rest knowing I will wake up to clean, organized space.

8. Take my older kids for a really fun-filled afternoon to a park, zoo or Science World and feed them healthy food.

9. Come over and give my husband a two hour break so he can go to a coffee shop, pub, hockey rink or some other r & r that will delight him. Fold more laundry.

10. Make me a giant pot of vegetable soup and clean the kitchen completely afterwards. Take a big garbage bag and empty every trash basket in the house and reline with fresh bags.

These are the kindnesses that new families remember and appreciate forever. It’s easy to spend money on gifts but the things that really make a difference are the services for the body and soul described above. Most of your friends and family members don’t know what they can do that won’t be an intrusion. They also can’t devote 40 hours to supporting you but they would be thrilled to devote 4 hours. If you let 10 people help you out for 4 hours, you will have the 40 hours of rested, adult support you really need with a newborn in the house. There’s magic in the little prayer “I need help.”

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You’ve GOT to See This Place!

March 31, 2009 by Alexis

Is it a children’s boutique? An imaginative party venue? A charming bookstore? Bears, Buddies & Toys, Santee, is all that and more.

bbtmediaevent-1017From the moment I walked into the place, I was charmed by the fanciful décor – most notably the giant pirate ship and pretty princess castle. Stepping stones painted into the floor led me past all kinds of wonderful enchantments. There were plush animals to be filled with clouds and wishing stars, though my son was more interested in the miniature baby grand piano.

The reading cottage was a sight to behold! Unique and classic books filled the shelves, and cozy benches provided a respite from the party excitement. (They offer free story time here on Fridays at 11am and 6pm, so bring your playgroup and enjoy!)

The family heirloom chandelier sparkled above while the children enjoyed story time with “Princess Molly,” one of the amazing gals on staff here at BB&T.

Further down the path of stepping stones, I found a great variety of unique toys and gifts for children. This is a wonderful place to shop for your little ones, from babies through around age 8. The owners have arranged the toys to encourage children to play and enjoy themselves while you shop. There was a Thomas the Train table set up to occupy the toddler set, though Lucas was particularly fond of the kitchen area. Check out that doll house with elevator! My childhood dream!

Back on the other side of the pirate ship, I found a gorgeous selection of specialty baby and children’s clothing. If you’re looking for something unique and remarkable, this is the place to find it!

So why were we here? Why, for a party, of course! Bears, Buddies & Toys, Santee offers over 600 different theme parties. We had the good fortune of experiencing a Dress-Up and Stuff-an-Animal Theme party last week. What fun! My 2 ½ year-old son doesn’t know a pirate from a princess, but he was happy to be part of the excitement.

The dress-up part of the party is serious business. For the “princesses,” it includes up-do’s and makeup along with beautiful, sparkly dresses and crowns. For the “pirates” or “knights,” it includes costumes, props and face-painting to match the character.

While the rest of the kids were getting all dressed up, my son was eagerly waiting for cake in the castle. Isn’t that room something?!

After dressing up, there was a flurry of activities, including story time, animal-stuffing, a wishing star ceremony, and shopping for animal outfits. There were games and dancing, and even a round of “The Hokey Pokey”. Finally, there was cake!

The kids had a great time, and so did the adults! The staff was wonderful with the kids, and they organized everything so we could relax. What a treat!

If you’re looking for a fanciful party experience, I’d say
this place is perfect for kids aged five to ten. You do have to bring in your own food, but everything else is taken care of for you.

For parents of younger ones, you’ve got to come check out their specialty toys and clothing. Bring your toddlers in for story time and enjoy the lovely energy of this place. It really is magical.

Located in the Santee Trolley Square, 9832 Mission Gorge Road, Santee, CA 92071

619-448-9008

www.bearsbuddiesandtoyssantee.com

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Getting You Ready to Bring Home Baby

March 18, 2009 by Alexis

The following is a guest post by Carrie Furet, The Essential Baby Planner from ebabyplanner.com. Did anyone else start to hyperventilate that first time they looked at the car seat and stroller options at BabiesRUs, or was that just me? Carrie, I would have loved to have had your help back then!

Please pass this along to all of your newly pregnant friends. They’ll thank you for it!

MOMMA TALK: Getting You Ready to Bring Home Baby

Today’s world of baby is a multibillion dollar industry. Walk into any baby store and you’ll see what I mean. There are aisles of car seats and baby strollers, highchairs and bottles. Should you go with the co-sleeper or crib? Swing or bouncy chair? Even doctor or doula?!?! It’s enough to drive a sane woman bonkers let alone a soon-to-be mother. I know – I was that pregnant woman. And I’ve heard the same story over and over again from all my mommy friends. What we wouldn’t have given for help.

Well, help is here! There’s a new business springing up that does just that. These ‘Baby Planners’ are being heralded as the new go-to service for expecting parents. They do it all. Think: what a wedding planner did for your wedding a baby planner will do for the coming of your baby. They help you coordinate everything you’ll need or want to prepare for the birth. For example, they are the experts at building an amazing registry that’s well thought out and intensely researched to find the safest product for a family based on their lifestyle and budget. And they do so much more.

I know spending bucks for a baby planner might sound a little Hollywood but when asked about their clientele these planners will tell you that most of the people who hire them are hard working, everyday folks who are finding it hard to grab 40 winks let alone find the time to scan user reviews on baby carriers.

Now, you might ask, “Why is there this sudden need for professional help”? I mean, pregnant women have done this for ages why would we need a baby planner now? If you take a look at the business, it’s only come into existence within the last few years. So . . . why now? One thought is that it lies in the women themselves. Today’s modern woman wants it all and we’ve been taught to get it. Then, it hits us – being pregnant, working 40+ hrs a week and being hyper-prepared for the baby is a lot to take on. Throw in some crazy hormones and the situation becomes Mission: Impossible. Where’s ‘Jim Phelps’ when you need him. Or an ‘Ethan Hunt’ for you youngsters.

Then, there’s the fact that families are living farther and farther from each other and without that close network to help out new parents things can get pretty hectic. Plus, there are more and more people are having multiples. And don’t make me bring up the whole ‘multibillion’ dollar thing again. Did our mothers have to deal with over a dozen different types of ‘jogging’ stroller?

Bottom line – a baby planner simply wants to simplify things for you so you can relax and enjoy being pregnant while having the peace of mind that they are working hard to make sure everything is just right.

Carrie Furet
Essential Baby Planner
www.ebabyplanner.com

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Your To-Be List

March 17, 2009 by Alexis

Whether they’re in our heads or on paper, we all have our to-do lists. As new moms, keeping up with all that needs to be done can be both exhausting and disheartening. We do laundry and in seconds, it seems, it needs to be done again. There is no lasting accomplishment; many items never get permanently crossed off the list.

This can wear us down, and the romantic vision on new motherhood quickly turns into drudgery. When life feels like nothing but chores, it is easy to forget why we’re in this situation to begin with, and our children end up taking a back seat to other things that are far less important.

To help you reconnect with the original magic of your mama-vision, try this: Before you make your to-do list for the day, take a few moments to tap into what or how you want to BE this day.

For example, do I want to be harried and snappish, or do I want to be patient and graceful? In your mind, create yourself each morning as the mother you would most like to be. This can change daily depending on your inspiration in that moment. I encourage you to trust the inspiration and not just go with what you think is appropriate or expected of you.

Once you have set your to-be goal for the day, then go ahead and create your to-do list based on how you want to be. Remind yourself throughout the day of your to-be goal, and note what happens. I’d be interested to hear how it goes for you.

Cheers!

Alexis Ahrens – Author, Baby’s Little Log Book

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Postpartum Adjustment

March 12, 2009 by Alexis

“Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.” John Wilmot

 

I love this quote. I know I’m not the only one who, pre-baby, had certain ideas about why I would be such a fabulous mother, as opposed to all the other women who were getting it wrong. I’m not the only one who had that long list of “things I’d never do as a mother.”

The truth is, I think we all go into motherhood with some pretty high and unreasonable expectations … and then reality hits, and leaves us reeling with humility, confusion, and if we’re lucky, a great compassion for every other woman in the mother club.

I say, “if we’re lucky,” because not everyone makes it through the confusion and humility to arrive at that place of acceptance and compassion. Some women feel so lost and alone during the postpartum time that they remain isolated in their homes, embarrassed to reach out to others, lest they reveal themselves to be so much “less than” they thought they would be. Others fight against the confusion by overcompensating; striving to prove to everyone how perfect they are, when inside, they feel they’re living a lie.

In both scenarios, new mothers are battling with feelings of unworthiness and failed expectations. They think they are the only ones to feel this way.

In the beginning, I was one of the moms who isolated myself, totally surprised by my lack of competence and disappointed by how much harder it was than I’d expected it to be. Sure, I’d heard plenty of people tell me it was going to be hard, but I didn’t think it applied to me. I thought I was smarter, more capable somehow, than everyone who told me it would be challenging. Oh, the ego! The judgment!

The saving grace for me was joining a playgroup. My playgroup was where I learned that we were all feeling the same way, and that I wasn’t alone. Together, we were able to laugh gently at ourselves; at our great expectations, our pride, and our disappointments. We supported and encouraged one another until we all got our sea legs on this mother ship. Our biggest recurring joke has been the many, many things we’ve crossed off our lists of “things I’d never do as a mother.” Life happens. We all understand. We have compassion.

This motherhood gig is a day-by-day, moment-by-moment experiment. We’re all in it, living it. Expectations only hold us back, and theories no longer apply.

Happy mothering!

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The Perfect Nanny

March 10, 2009 by Alexis

The following is a guest post by Dara B. Green, president of Seaside Nannies and nanny extraordinaire.

The Agency Process for Families and Nannies

When looking for the perfect nanny, or looking for the best family to work for, finding the right nanny agency is an essential factor in securing symbiosis between client and caregiver.

Parents and nannies are continually being challenged in finding the right liaison to connect to each other. The good news is many nanny referral agencies are popping up all over the country, some online and some in the community, creating more opportunities for parents and nannies to make the right choices in finding the perfect connection. The question is, which is the right agency for you?

CALL AND COMPARE

Place a call into all the agencies in your community to see what they can offer YOU! Local nanny referral agencies can be found in publications, online, and in the local yellow pages. Professional nanny agencies should take the time to invest in a dialogue with you, so that you feel comfortable, leaving you with all questions answered.

ASK QUESTIONS

Ask the agency representative questions regarding their background and philosophy in connecting Nannies and Families within the community! Make sure their answers resonate with your own thoughts on the matter. Be detailed in your requests about the company, and ask about the clients and nannies that use their service. For example, who are the nanny agency owners and what are their backgrounds in? How did they get involved in the industry? What are their personal credentials as well as their agencies? How have they gained their reputation? How do they stay in tune with their industry? Do they attend the INA conference and network with one another for the better of their community? Are they involved in the community in other ways? What larger affiliations are they associated with (APNA and INA)? Are they child centered and are they knowledgeable about making sure the nanny candidates are aware of the specific ages and stages of the child’s development, so the candidates the agency sends over are appropriate? What are the minimum requirements of the agency’s nannies and what skill sets should they have? Are the nannies required to be CPR/First Aid Certified and can the agency help answer questions about taxes and payroll? If they cannot, can they direct you to the appropriate resources that are known in the industry to help with taxes, such as Breedlove and GTM?

HOW DOES IT WORK?

What is the general modus operandi of the nanny agency regarding their interviewing process? How does the agency screen their candidates? How do they screen their prospective clients/families? If the agency has online forms be sure to find out if they also have face-to-face interviews as well. Does the agency ask a nanny for a resume? Are the nannies required to supply the agency with references, if so what kind? This actually might include references for both parties in the process. Again, do your research!

SAFETY & “IN HOUSE” VISITS:

Ask if the agency does an “In House” visit. This is a crucial part of the process in finding the most appropriate match, making both the nanny and family experience a positive one, as well as this approach initiates a quick and accurate placement for both nanny and family. An agency representative will visit the home to assess the family’s own, personal family dynamic, as each family is unique!

The “over the phone” process is a typical scenario when using a nanny agency, however it is usually worth a little more money (if the agency fee is a slightly higher one) if a representative can come into the family home to see the children in their home environment. This is also a sure way to guarantee the nanny’s safety.

BACKGROUND CHECKS?

The nanny agency you decide to work with should offer background checks. This should include the minimum of, a Social Security trace, leading to every county the candidate has lived in, and a County Criminal check in every county they have ever resided in. The background check should also include a Department of Motor Vehicle report. Many agencies will also offer a drug screening, sometimes at an extra cost to the client, including consent from the nanny, depending on what state they reside in. All states have different laws, please make sure to check with the Department of Social Services in your state.

FEES?

What are the agency’s fees and why? Why do some agencies ask for a percentage of the nannies salary vs. flat rate nanny agencies? (Remember that location and demographic of where you live may have an impact.) Does the agency require the nanny pay them as well? Sometimes a percentage of the hours worked by the nanny are paid to the agency.

For families, ask if the nanny agency charges an upfront, non-refundable retainer and what is it for. Does the retainer get rolled into the final agency fee or is it extra? What are the benefits to both for you and your family’s budget for choosing an agency that charges “one month’s nanny salary” vs. a “percentage” vs. a “flat rate” agency? Many agencies that charge flat rates are very appealing to the wallet, however they might be so inundated with clients, that they might not be able to give you the personalized service that both nanny and client deserve.

GUARANTEE?

What are the agency’s policies with their guarantee? If the nanny that is hired decided to leave within a certain time frame, does the agency replace the nanny for no charge? How are the nannies secured within their positions? Nannies need to know they are supported by the agency and if their positions are secure with a contract. As nannies are required to make a commitment to the family in whom they are placed with, nannies also need to know there are always open lines of communication and a commitment from the family that employs them. This is assured within a nanny agency that is supportive of contractual documents that are offered as part of the agency process!

Using a nanny agency that has a good reputation in the community is a great place to start the agency process, so do your research! The questions suggested above will hopefully help you insure that your family-nanny partnership will be as efficient, productive and successful as possible; we all wish for happy homes, nannies, families and of course… happy children!

Dara B. Green

President, Seaside Nannies Inc.

Seaside Nannies Inc. was founded by Dara Green, nanny of 23 years and preschool teacher in the San Diego community. Seaside Nannies has been created to serve the needs of each family and nanny to create relationships that last.


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Welcome to Baby’s Little Log Blog!

March 10, 2009 by Alexis

Baby’s Little Log Blog is the new blog for Baby’s Little Log Book. (Say that five times fast!) Here, new moms will find information and resources to help them feel confident as experts on their own babies.

If you’re a new mom, I know you’re tired, overwhelmed, and filled with doubt about whether you’re making the best choices for your baby. I know this because no matter how polished or capable another mom looks, we’ve ALL been through this. We’ve all struggled under the self-imposed pressure to be the best mother that ever existed, and with no formal training for the job.

If you’re looking for ways to be better than the other moms, then you’ve come to the wrong place. What you’ll find here instead is compassion and understanding for the common struggles we all share as mothers, and hopefully some inspiration to help you grow in confidence.

To that end, I’ll also be sharing great products and services I’ve discovered that will help make new motherhood easier and more fulfilling so you can enjoy the newborn experience.

Happy mothering!

Alexis Ahrens

Author of Baby’s Little Log Book and Taking the Lid Off the Sun

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